Power Ranklings (Part II of II)

In yesterday's post, I presented Power Ranklings for the eight teams I thought would finish outside the playoffs. In Part II, today I present the top eight teams. Don't worry, there is still plenty of awful within these teams. Because you likely didn't see yesterday's post before today's, I'll include the same intro here.

It's mid-January and we're almost 50 games into the season, enough games to know that Sidney Crosby is still magic; Bruce Boudreau is a hell of a coach; and Mikhail Grigorenko's breakout year is not this year. 

I have ranked each KL team by estimated position in the final standings. This is not based on actual statistics, but on intangible things like grit, character, pugnacity, and my own inner feelings - aka, Maple Leaf Style. But note that these are not power rankings, because those are boring. These are Power Ranklings. 

rankle, v. to cause annoyance or resentment that persists.

So these ranklings are meant to ruffle some feathers and call out some GMs. Take everything with a grain of salt though; as John Tortorella would say, I haven't won a goddamn thing in this league so what I should do is just shut up. 

Final note: these were drafted a couple of days ago and may not reflect current standings and recent transactions.

1. Milan Micahleks (currently: 2)

At forward, this is the deepest team in the league. Marty St. Louis wants a second Krusell Cup ring before he retires. All players are good at hockey and genuinely nice guys. GM had a month off leading up to the draft, so it would actually be an indictment of his research skills if he didn't win; also, GM is still basically unemployed so counting on the money to pay rent. 

But let's face it, the rest of the teams are in a race for second-place. 

2. G-Phil's Flyers (currently: 1)

You have to look outside the top eight to find a team that has scored fewer points in 2014 than GP's Flyers. You could blame the slowdown on players getting clean for Olympic steroid testing, but the fact is this team, for all intents and purposes, has no starting goaltender. Halak has good numbers, but he has two starts in January. Moreover, Ovechkin, Malkin and Datsyuk are going to be very tired after the Olympics, assuming they return to North America at all. 

Because Russia.

3. Fylanders (currently: 3)

Marc-Andre Fleury and sheer GM willpower are the only things keeping this garbage raft afloat. Way too many Maple Leafs, for one thing - you can't have five players from a team that is definitely going to miss the playoffs and expect to win. GM continues to shock and enrage his competitors by acquiring other teams' keepers for minor draft position upgrades. Seriously, can somebody make him give up a pick and not get a roughly equivalent pick back?

My reaction whenever a trade involving the Fylanders is announced:

4. Mackhawks (currently: 7)

If you like drama, the most compelling storyline for last year's playoff champions is their GM's hot-and-cold relationship with Wayne Simmonds. But it's actually Jonathan Quick who will make or break this team. I predict that the Kings get hot and Quick earns enough points to pull the Mackhawks into 4th. 

This is the Mackhawks' GM after he first dropped Wayne Simmonds for Tommy Wingels.

5. Teeyotes (currently: 6)

Byfuglien becoming a forward was the greatest thing to ever happen to the Teeyotes. If he sticks, they can't do worse than 5th. The rest of the season depends on the GM answering four key questions: 1) Do you realize Kris Russell is on your scoring roster because you only drafted four defencemen? 2) Are you aware that Kris Russell is on the injured reserve with a sprained MCL? 3) Do you know that Kris Russell only put up three points in December anyway? 4) Do you think that Kris Russell should be on a fantasy hockey team?

Pressed for comment, GM of the Teeyotes responded:

6. Powder Rangers (currently: 5)

Steven Stamkos' broken tibia has come to define this season for the PRangers, whose GM has declared himself to have "the second worst respect-to-points ratio" in the league. Had Stamkos not been unceremoniously Fy Gambitted, he would still be on the scoring roster today, with 23 points. It's impressive, and hard to fathom, how this team has remained competitive despite the injury and despite having one of the worst goaltenders in the league (from a current fantasy points perspective) in Craig Anderson. Like every year, I look at the team and squint and shake my head and am very tempted to get out the calculator because it just doesn't add up. But Anderson is coming on, and if ER can somehow get Stamkos back onto the scoring roster, watch out. 

Mila Kunis also looks at this roster and has the same reaction as I do. It just doesn't make sense. 

I think she lets out a little "ew" at the end, probably directed towards Jiri Tlusty and/or his nude photos [nsfw].

7. Winter Claassics (currently: 4)

This is the only team in the league without a 40-point forward. Even the lowly WBS Parkers have Patrick Marleau at 42 (not to mention Duncan Keith at 44). Shows how far a great goalie (Hiller - not even a keeper!) and a strong defence can take you in this league. 

This is DC when he saw that Olli Jokinen was still available in the 8th round:

8. Dicklas Lidstroms (currently: 11)

Just two years removed from a Krusell Cup, this team appears to be headed in the wrong direction. On the one hand, I could see a lot of things turning around for them down the stretch: Lundqvist is playing better lately; Steen's head could clear up; Enstrom might turn it around under a new coach. On the other hand, we're talking about the second-worst defence in the league, a top four averaging just 13 points right now. And a lot of teams to climb over.

My reaction when I looked at the Dicklas Lidstroms' roster and initially thought 12th, then 10th, then 8th: